Category Archives: anti-natalism

Fear and Denial

Written by Doug – the northlondonhippy

For better, or mainly for worse, my go-to responses since discovering I have epilepsy have been either fear, or denial. 

To be fair, sometimes it’s a combination of both fear, and denial. They are not the most productive of responses, and don’t serve me well, but what are the alternatives? If you read this to the end, you’ll discover the alternatives are even worse.

(Trigger warning – This piece deals frankly, and honestly with depression, suicidal thoughts, potentially fatal seizures, and euthanasia. Click here if that’s not your vibe right now.)

I had another seizure about a month ago, it was a bad one. As if there are good ones. For some context, it was worse than my previous seizure last September.

For even more context, you could read this lengthy, self-indulgent essay I wrote last September about my long road to discovering I have epilepsy. Or I could just quickly summarise it for you:

Since at least 2018, I’ve had weird, seemingly 

unrelated symptoms that began more than…

2 years before my first seizure.

I had my 

first seizures in April 2021

In the last…

2 years, I’ve had…

12 full-on tonic-clonic, or…

grand mal seizures…

across…

5 separate incidents…

3 of those incidents were seizure clusters… 

also called…

Acute Repetitive Seizures.

The worst of which involved…

6 seizures in one day…

without recovering in-between.

That’s called… 

Status Epilepticcus. 

The paramedics have been called…

9 times

And they’ve visited me…

7 times. 

I’ve been to A&E…

3 times

which included one admission for…

4 days. 

On the first day I was…

sedated intravenously for…

24 hours

And it saved my life. I nearly died.

Since 2019, I have seen…

3 neurologists…

2 misdiagnosed me. 

1 neurologist saw me before the seizures even started…

1 neurologist saw me after my first seizures, and still misdiagnosed me, and…

1 neurologist, the third one, finally nailed my complex diagnosis.

I have 

Right Temporal Lobe Epilepsy (RTLE)

1 in 100 people have epilepsy

1 in 100,000 have RTLE

Since beginning 

treatment via prescription medication…

2 of those 5 incidents occurred

I am not seizure free

Even with medication, and following all medical advice…

30% of people with epilepsy continue to experience seizures. 

I think I’m…

1 of them. 

That about sums it up. 

Don’t worry, it’s not a pity party. There are plenty of people with worse health issues, and dramas than mine. I’m definitely not looking for sympathy, I write about my experiences to help myself process stuff, and work things out. If others benefit from it, or find it interesting, that’s just a bonus. 

Auras

This is an update on that essay I mentioned, as with every incident, I learn more about my condition. And when I do, it forces me to recontextualise everything that’s preceded it with this new, better understanding. 

For example, I have a much better grasp on what’s known as an aura. My aura. It’s what you experience just before you have a seizure, like a herald, or warning. It can be a sound, a vision, a smell, a taste, or in my case, an emotion, or more accurately, a specific series of them. I’ve since discovered that people with RTLE often have emotional auras, so it fits.

Stop for a second, and just imagine what it’s like to have your negative emotions become symptoms. You start to question if whatever you’re feeling is real. 

Just before a seizure hits, I feel several emotions, suddenly, and deeply. Out of my five incidents, two of them are complete blanks, and I have no memories. But of the three I can recall, all of them had this combination of emotions.

First, I experience a sense of immense sadness. That’s followed by an incredibly strong feeling of impending doom.

Imagine answering the phone, and being told everyone you care about and love, just died in a fiery car crash. Immense sadness. 

And then you turn around, glance at the TV, and the news is reporting that every nuclear tipped missile on the planet has inexplicably launched, and all life is about to be obliterated in less than 15 minutes. Impending doom. 

That’s the intensity, but what is more difficult to convey is the suddenness of it all. It just comes out of nowhere, and it all packs quite a wallop. 

The third, and final thing I feel is something I’d never heard of before called a Jamais Vu, and it’s the strangest feeling of them all. I struggled to articulate what it is like, and it is only through digging deep into RTLE that I came across the concept.

A Jamais Vu is the opposite of Deja Vu. Instead of something feeling oddly familiar, you experience the reverse, where something that should be familiar, feels suddenly alien. That description isn’t doing the actual feeling any justice. It’s like being dropped into a simulation of your real life. Everything just seems off, in a palpable, tangible way, like you’ve been transported into a false reality. And then I suddenly blackout. 

At this point, I am pretty sure I recognise the feelings and emotions that make up my aura. Here’s the fun part, I experience the first two of them frequently, but only rarely do I actually go on to experience the third; the Jamais Vu, and then have a seizure. And that’s been going on since I started treatment. I assumed my brain was trying to have a seizure, and the medication was preventing it. 

I normalised these random bursts of emotion, that’s how often they happened. I now know if I reach the Jamais Vu, the seizure will definitely follow, and I maybe have 30 seconds to get myself someplace safe before it strikes. It is useful info. 

The very first seizure I had, started like this. Sadness and doom. I remember thinking I was having a heart attack, or stroke, though I didn’t have physical symptoms for either. I just knew something was really wrong with me, I was overcome with sadness. I felt like I was going to die. That’s my last memory before I blacked out. I went on to have two seizures right after that, with no recovery in between. I lost around an hour. 

My second and third incidents are a total blank for me. I remember nothing about them. For the second incident, I have no memories at all of that day, until I woke up in A&E late in the afternoon. 

My third incident was by far my worst. I had 5 seizures at home, and a sixth in A&E. I call it Super September Seizure Saturday. It has a nice ring to it. 

After SSSS, I was sedated for 24 hours, and put on an anti-convulsant medication that I continue to take twice daily. I’m on the max dose of it now. I have no recall of what happened that day, and I even lost the memories of the couple of days leading up to it. It was all very traumatic for my faulty brain. 

Last September, when I was writing that essay that I’ve now referenced three times, I had my fourth incident. The essay was meant to mark, and celebrate me being seizure-free for an entire year. And then 4 days before the one year anniversary of SSSS, I had a seizure. It was day 361. 

It wasn’t my idea to make a big deal out of marking one year, it was my doctor’s. She said we could talk about restoring my driving privileges once I reached the one-year mark. That’s why I was counting. I now know, I’m never going to drive again. 

That seizure last September was preceded by the aura I have described. But because I had felt it frequently, and normalised it by then, having been seizure-free for nearly a year, I laughed it off. I had been writing about it that very day, I thought it was an amusing coincidence. And then less than a minute later, I had a full-on seizure.

Up till that point, in my mind since starting treatment, I thought of the possibility of another seizure as an “if”. “If” I have another seizure, I would think every day. And once I got over the shock of incident number four, I realised that it was now not a case of “if”, but “when” my next seizure would occur. 

I began to take my aura more seriously. If I felt even the merest suggestion of it, I would try to get myself someplace safe, like my sofa. Another seizure wasn’t a theoretical “if” any more, but a statistical “when”, as it seemed inevitable I would have another one. And I did, 231 days after my last one. 

I have followed every instruction issued by my neurologist. I am 100% compliant with my medications. I make a concerted effort to get more sleep, and have been able to improve the amount, and quality of the sleep I get. I also try to avoid any sort of stress. And I don’t drink alcohol at all, I stopped drinking 20 years ago. I do everything I’m supposed to do, and I am still having seizures. 

The most significant thing about my most recent seizure, is that it fulfilled one of my deepest epilepsy fears: it happened while I was outside of my house. That said, I was extremely lucky because when I say it was outside of my house, I mean literally outside of my house, on my doorstep. 

I was returning home from a routine blood test I get for a thyroid condition I have called Hashimoto’s Disease. Fun fact: People with Hashimoto’s Disease are more likely to also have epilepsy than the general non-Hashimoto suffering public. 

The blood test facility is about a 10 minute walk from my place, and I was on the return journey, about 30 seconds from my front door when I felt my aura hit. My last thought before I blacked out was “ut-oh”, I hope this is one of those phantom ones. It wasn’t, it was the real thing.

Here’s another fun fact: I considered killing 45 minutes on the high street after my blood test, and going to see the first showing of Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 3, as it opened in London that day. It would have been my first visit to a cinema since 2019. I decided against it, for fear of a seizure. That fear stops me doing a lot, but on this occasion, it spared me a worse outcome. Still haven’t seen the film, I hope I live long enough to see it, I loved the first two. Disney+ in August? September? We’ll see. 

My partner heard me fall down outside, and a neighbour across the street saw it happen. The neighbour phoned for an ambulance, that was cancelled by a passing doctor. The doctor helped my partner get me inside.

Had the seizure hit 10 minutes earlier, I was crossing a busy A-road, and walking along a bustling high street. Hell, had it happened even 30-60 seconds earlier, my partner wouldn’t have heard me. It could have been so much worse.

I convulsed for 1-2 minutes after I fell. According to my Apple Watch, my heart rate topped out at 159bpm. My resting rate is usually in the low 60s. There’s a decent risk of a heart attack when I have a seizure. 

Injury-wise, when I fell down, somehow I hyperextended my left foot, and managed to twist my left ankle as well. Two injuries for the price of one. And I bit the hell out of the right side of my tongue, and there was blood, but that always happens when I seize. At least I don’t seem to piss myself, that’s something I guess. 

For 10-15 minutes after the seizure, my brain is shut down. You know when you re-start an iPhone, and the white Apple logo is displayed? You can tap that black screen all you want, but the iPhone isn’t ready for input. That’s my brain for ages. It takes me quite a while to recover. I was blacked out for 10-15 minutes, before I started having flashes of reality. My brain is glitchy as it limps back to life. 

What I’ve learned is everyone shouts at you when you’ve had a seizure. That’s the very last thing you need. Paramedics, and doctors, they all shout. It doesn’t help. 

As I begin to come back to life, I am disoriented, confused, and agitated, but I’m not deaf. Shouting only makes it worse. I need to be spoken to calmly, and softly. 

And this might sound dumb, but I really just need to be told two things, over and over, until I understand them. One is that I’ve had a seizure. Even though it happened to me, I won’t realise that I’ve had one for ages, so tell me. It will speed up the recovery. Then tell me I’m safe. Once I understand those two things, and they register, I will just need to sit quietly with my eyes closed for 45-60 minutes. Just leave me be. When I’m ready, I’ll start asking questions about what happened. That’s much of what I learned from this most recent seizure. It confirmed my aura, and my recovery sequence. 

It taken me weeks to nearly fully recover from my most recent seizure, and I can’t say I’m feeling 100% even now. I lose a little bit more of myself every time I have one. Hey ho. 

Fear

Since my first seizure, having one outside of my home has become my biggest fear, and I’ve limited how much I go out to a fairly extreme degree because of it. Medical appointments, and the chemist are pretty much it. I don’t see anyone, and I haven’t been in a shop, restaurant, or cinema in years. And I either walk, or take an Uber if I have to go anywhere. Anything I need, I have delivered. It’s not a lifestyle I’d recommend. 

Now that I’ve had a seizure outside of my house, that fear has ramped up exponentially. I have absolutely no confidence that it won’t happen again. If anything, I am confident it will happen again. I feel certain it will, and I don’t even want to walk 50 yards to the postbox on the corner. 

I’m overcome with fear now. I don’t plan on attending even medical appointments, it’s either telephone or I go without. That’s true for everything. If I have to leave my house for it, it’s ain’t happening. I’m officially, and intentionally housebound for the foreseeable future. 

I’m not sure how long I will need to be seizure-free before I will feel confident and comfortable being outside of my house. Six months? A year? More? I can’t say. 

Fear consumes so much of my headspace, especially in the immediate aftermath of a fresh seizure, but even well beyond it. I don’t know what I can do to lessen it, except for denial. And I’ve tried that, it doesn’t really work either. 

Denial

RTLE messes with your emotions, and that’s especially true for me and the seizure aura I’ve described. It’s why I gave up my job. The last night I worked, I was experiencing this aura sequence, over and over. It’s taken me a while to really grasp this, but my most recent seizure confirmed my suspicion. 

Think of it as pre-seizure activity, or you can use my neurologist’s term, a sub-clinical seizure. I thought I was having a breakdown, and I was, but it was also something more. I was signed off after that night, and I never went back. 

At the time, I described my depression to my GP as coming in waves, and feeling chemical. I was close, it wasn’t chemical, it was electrical. And it wasn’t just a change in my baseline of depression, it was a symptom of something larger and worse: RTLE. 

At the time, I thought my symptoms, the increased depression, and something I called brain blips, or time skips, were suggesting MS thanks to an ill-advised Google search. I asked for a referral to a neurologist nearly 2 years before my first seizure, as I knew something was neurologically wrong with me, even back then. It just wasn’t clear what it was at that point. 

The first neurologist I saw mis-diagnosed me, but to be fair to him, he didn’t have that much to go on. I normalised my symptoms, left my job, and hoped I would recover. I didn’t.

That first neurologist did say to request a re-referral if my symptoms continued, but I didn’t. I justified it by telling myself I didn’t want to waste the neurologist’s time, but the sad, simple truth is I was in denial again. Or still. Denial is my go-to, whenever I can move past the fear. 

After my first seizures, I desperately didn’t want them to happen again. And I didn’t want it to be epilepsy. I saw a different neurologist, my second, and he didn’t think I had a seizure, and he didn’t think it was epilepsy. This is very much what I wanted to hear. He told me if I didn’t have another seizure within 90 days of my first one, then I would be clear. He fuelled my denial, and fanned the flames of my hope that I didn’t have epilepsy. 

I dutifully counted down 90 days, and practically celebrated when I reached that milestone. I wrote to the second neurologist with the good news, and cancelled future appointments. And then 9 days after that, I had my second incident and ended up in A&E.

And then… and then I did nothing. I went into peak denial. I didn’t contact neurologist number two, I didn’t even phone my GP. The A&E doctors referred me to a third neurologist, so I just decided to wait for that appointment, in October. 

And then Super September Seizure Saturday happened. I’m a bit hazy after that, my recovery was slow. I was angry that I survived. I saw no point in life, and if I am honest, I still don’t. 

I don’t know why I was saved. It was a low point, and I’ve only continued on that downward slide. What purpose does my continued existence serve? I haven’t had a single good day since all this started. That’s one thing I’m not denying. Every time I try to move past it, something trips me up. 

The third neurologist finally diagnosed me in October 2021. My first documented pre-seizure, epilepsy-related incident was in October 2018. It’s been fucking up my shit for way too long now. 

The near-year I spent thinking “if” I have another seizure is another example of denial. I had been toying with the idea of trying to get some freelance work around Xmas time, as I miss working, but the seizure in September smashed that idea into tiny little bits. 

There’s a thin line between denial, and delusion, and I think I may have crossed it when I considered working again. Who would hire an epileptic hippy for any job that mattered, when I could collapse at any time without warning, in a really disturbing way, that traumatises people who see it?  And then I would need a few weeks to recover from it. And why would I wish that on any employer? I’m not quite as delusional now, but the denial remains strong. I don’t see how I can ever work a normal job again, something else I reluctantly can’t deny. 

I even tried denial as a coping technique for the entire month of March this year. I decided not to mention epilepsy at all, and just have a make-believe normal month. I say make-believe because even though I didn’t mention it, I still thought about it. A lot. Sometimes denial, strong it may be, still isn’t enough. 

I wrote, and published 10 new pieces on my website that month. All of them were meant to not be sad, or depressing. They were meant to be entertaining, and fun.

The new material is called The Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll Collection. It’s was meant to be a departure, or relaunch from all the doom, and epilepsy gloom. Writing it is the most fun I’ve had in a very long time. That part of my denial was good.

I revisited my past. Why? Simple, I’ve hardly left the house or done anything in the last four years. The past is all I’ve got. 

There was a time in my life where I used to do really cool stuff, but those days feel like a million years ago now. Time travelling back to them with my faulty brain was as much an exercise in creativity as it was in simple recall. I worry about my memory, but I’m pleased to say that the old days are still accessible in my mind. 

I wrote about the summer of 1982, back when I lived in New Jersey. I saw Bruce Springsteen hanging out, and jamming in local seaside bars. And he saw me too. 

I wrote about starting my career at MTV in the mid 80s in NYC, back when MTV was the biggest, and coolest thing in the entire world.

I also wrote my first bit of fiction in ages, a twisty time-travel sci-fi short story that’s chock full of an uncomfortable amount of actual biographical details. If you’ve read any of my health stuff, you’ll get even more out of it. It’s my favourite piece in the collection.

And I wrote about hooking up in the pre-internet age, before apps and websites existed, but it’s actually about a lot more than that. The main story is in three parts, but there’s a bonus fourth section that has a self-contained story that needed to be told on it’s own. 

The most disappointing thing about my extended writing exercise is what little impact it has had on anything. I had some traffic from Reddit, but for some reason, my usual audience on Twitter didn’t seem interested. Maybe it’s post-Musk algorithm nonsense, or maybe people have just lost what little interest they had in me? I wouldn’t blame them if they did. I’m just a pathetic downer most of the time. 

I seem to get more traffic on my tedious, health-related pieces, than I get on the lighter, more entertaining material. More of you will read this piece, than the fun stuff. It confuses me. People used to dig my writing. It took some of the shine off my enjoyment of creating, and publishing a book’s worth of new material in five-week period. What’s the point of sharing it, if it doesn’t attract an audience? It may all end up in a book one day, anyway. Fuck it. 

Death

The one thing I don’t fear is dying from a seizure. It actually wouldn’t be a bad way to go. I fear surviving them. The injuries are no fun, and I have been fairly lucky so far. The immense post-seizure depression, the anger of surviving, the rage of being brought back to life, that’s what I fear. 

That’s how I describe the blackout portion of my incidents; it’s as if I’ve died. There’s a sense of peace, and calm that’s indescribable. Nothingness is the most amazing state of being, and it’s how we all spend most of eternity. Life is the noisy, smelly, messy interruption in-between the nothingness. Do you remember before you were born? Exactly. That’s what it’s like having a seizure. Or being dead. You’re not there. You’re not anywhere. You’re just not. It’s bliss.  

Coming back after a seizure is like being resurrected. It’s like being brought back from the dead, only it is as traumatic as birth itself. There’s a reason why we can’t remember being born; it’s a horrifying experience, being ripped from the peaceful void, and brought to this bright, noisy, messy, smelly, pointless world. I keep repeating and reliving it. It sucks. 

After every seizure, I have regretted surviving. I wouldn’t mind if I died mid-seizure. I wouldn’t even know I was gone. As deaths go, it would be a good one. There would be no suffering, my brain would be checked out, regardless of whatever stress my body might be experiencing. 

It’s always worse for whoever witnesses my seizures, than it is for me. My pain starts as I am reborn. It hurts, every muscle, every nerve, every sinew in my body aches. Then factor in the additional injuries, plus my most certainly bitten, swollen tongue, and then all the  mental and emotional trauma on top. It adds up to unadulterated misery. 

There are four main ways epilepsy can kill you, according to one of the epilepsy organisations I follow on Twitter

The first one is called SUDEP, which stands for Sudden Unexplained Death from Epilepsy, and it is pretty self-explanatory. I’m guessing heart attacks caused by seizures are included in this category. I’m especially at risk of this one, because of the type of seizures I have, but I think anyone with epilepsy potentially is too. The wildly elevated heart rate is just a bonus. 

The second way it can kill you is via Status Epilepticcus, which I have experienced several times. Basically, you just don’t recover. Brain damage or death can occur in as little as 30 minutes, without urgent treatment. There are worse ways to die.

The third possible epilepsy killer is worse, it’s via accidents. Besides not being able to drive a car, bicycles are now not an option for me, neither are roller skates, skateboards, or scooters. Swimming is a no-no, unless I tell the lifeguard, and why would I want to put extra stress on a complete stranger? 

I’m not supposed to take baths, but apparently showers are OK. So I’m not allowed to drown, but falling down and cracking my skull open is totally cool? I’d rather not go this way, an accidental death sounds painful. I don’t like ouchies.

And it’s not just the seizure for me, in that 10-15 minutes right afterward, as I recover, my body is on auto-pilot while my brain is not functioning. I’m unsteady, but I move around a lot in a confused, agitated state. My consciousness seems to come back in spurts, and stages. It doesn’t happen all at once, like a seizure in reverse. The recovery process is slow. 

If I had a seizure on a tube platform, I could end up falling on the tracks from the seizure, or during the recovery period afterward. Bystanders would just see me confused, and behaving bizarrely, and they might not realise I need saving. I’m literally a fatal accident waiting to happen. That scares the bejesus out of me. I definitely don’t want to go this way. 

The fourth way epilepsy kills people is literally even more depressing: Suicide. Depression, and epilepsy have a weird bi-lateral, bi-directional relationship. They make each other worse. 

In 2019, I was actively suicidal. I now understand that this was part of the onset of my epilepsy, but at the time, I just thought I was weak, and finally surrendered to my depression. What I’ve learned since, is that what I went through was a direct result of my faulty brain. 

I would say that I am passively suicidal right now. And I don’t say that lightly. I’d let myself go, if I could, but I wouldn’t take an active role in my own demise. I’m not going to do anything rash, so no need to report me for a welfare check.

I’d be very OK if my next seizure was fatal, though ideally my first choice would be to live the rest of my life without ever having another one. I’d rather not have to recover from another seizure. It is indescribably unpleasant. Even with the meds, my most recent seizure was worse than the previous one. Perhaps I’m becoming resistant to the medication? My next one could be even worse, who knows? But there will be a next one, I’m convinced of that.

I have so many questions that have no answers. I still don’t know if my seizures have a trigger. I don’t think there is anything else I can do to try to avoid them. As a control freak, having something so significant, so far out of my control is unbearable. 

I have thought about going to Switzerland. Dignitas. Euthanasia. Perhaps I see it as the only way to regain control of my own fate. I’m not sure, but I think I’ve left it too late, I don’t have it in me to make the journey now. It would be such a pleasant death, peaceful, and on my own terms, but I don’t think I could cope with the trip, or the bureaucracy. 

The laws in the UK will change eventually, but not soon enough for me. And I expect when they do introduce assisted dying here, the bar will be set too high for someone like me. You’ll need to be within 6 months of a definitive demise to be eligible for the good drugs. Could I be six months away from a fatal seizure, or six minutes? Maybe and maybe. How long is a piece of string? I might never have another one, or I could have one before I finish typing this sentence. The uncertainty is maddening. 

I don’t fear a sudden death, I fear continued life. Every minute of every day, is fairly miserable for me. I am the textbook definition of a loser. All I have done for the last few years is lose things I care about… family, friends, colleagues, my job, my health, and my future. Why should I want to continue, when I have no optimism. I have no hope. What’s the point of even trying, when I could just fall over, and be useless for weeks, or just die suddenly?

They say depressed people have a more realistic view of the world, and as someone who has been depressed for decades, I would agree with that. Existence isn’t a gift, it is a curse. Things generally only ever get worse. Entropy is real. And I’ve had enough. I’ve spent the last couple of years trying not to let my poor mental health, or now my epilepsy define me. I’ve failed. Spectacularly. 

I go through the motions. I wake up every day, I pretend everything is just fine, but I know it’s not. I have no purpose, I contribute nothing to the world. I’m an oxygen thief, consuming resources without giving anything back. I don’t see any way out of this, I don’t see it ever turning around. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. 

There is no happy ending for me, but ending me would make me happy. I want to go back to the void. I want to cease existing, and a seizure might finally deliver me. I often think about stopping my medications, hastening my own demise, and letting nature take it’s course. And then I realise even with the meds, my potential demise is only ever one bad seizure away. 

The northlondonhippy is an epileptic loser, who has no business still existing, yet he continues. He used to be a lot of things, but these days, he’s nothing much. He wrote a book years ago, that you probably haven’t read, along with a bunch of stuff on this website. And it’s really weird when he puts these odd bits at the end of things, written in the third person, when everyone knows it’s the hippy writing them. Weirdo loser hippy shitheel. 

The hippy tweets as @nthlondonhippy. Follow him for more depression, and disappointment. When his account goes silent, you’ll know the epilepsy finally got him. 

In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email [email protected] or [email protected]. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 988 or chat for support. You can also text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis text line counsellor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org

The Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll Collection

All Written by Doug – the northlondonhippy

These are a few of my favourite things

The Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll Collection is a loosely connected series of the northlondonhippy’s most recent written pieces. It was all produced in a 5 week period.

Think of this new, inter-linked collection of material as the hippy’s second book. Effectively it is the sequel to his first book, Personal Use.

You can read all this brand new material for free right now.

December 2023 Update:

The hippy has added another piece to the collection, called “Now, Hear This”.

“Now, Hear This” was first published in November 2023, but the original idea was conceived back in March. It belongs here with the rest of the collection, and is now the introductory piece.

Now, Hear This

The hippy looks back at the roots of his lifetime love of modern music, through the songs he grew up with, and technology of the day that played it for him.  

His journey began when he was 2 years old, and it started with the Beatles, and a couple of years later, Motown and more. 

You’ll see, these memories turned out to be a lot more bittersweet than expected, as you read, and listen to “Now, Hear This”.

My Summer of Springsteen

During the Summer of 1982, when the hippy was still living on the Jersey Shore, he ran into Bruce Springsteen regularly. 

Bruce wasn’t just a local hero back then, he was already a major, international rock god. He’d released his first five classic albums, toured the world repeatedly, and only played the largest venues available. 

That summer, the hippy saw the Boss hanging out, and performing in small bars down the shore, nearly every weekend. Some nights, more than once. And Bruce saw the hippy, too.

These are his memories of “My Summer of Springsteen.

MTV Redux

Rock & Roll

In this four part series, the hippy takes you back to a fairly amazing period of his young adult life.

In the mid 1980s, the hippy was loosely associated with MTV Music Television as an intern, and then occasionally employed by them as a freelance production assistant. 

It’s also a tale of unrealised potential, and squandered opportunity, but it has taken the hippy a while to work all that out.


Part One – What? And Give Up Showbiz?
Part Two – Name Dropping
Part Three – Crappy New Year!
Part Four – The Death of the Dream

Time Aside – A Short Story

***Bonus Content***

Let’s pause the real life nostalgia briefly, and take a deep dive into some alternative personal history.

There’s no sex, drugs, or rock & roll in this one. “Time Aside” is a twisty tale of time travel, anti-natalism, and regret that’s rooted in the hippy’s real life back story.

It’s bonus content, so check it out! Or you could wait for the movie?

Tales from the Pre-Internet

Sex

Everyone thinks of dating apps, and websites when they think of meeting people online, but before the internet, in the 1980s, some folks were already playing around online. People were meeting up, and having naughty fun too. And the northlondonhippy was one of them.

The hippy refers to this period of time as the “Pre-Internet” in his recent series called MTV Redux. Thinking about that time was the inspiration for this series. 

In the three part series, “Consenting Online Adults”the hippy overshares about many of his experiences. 

And in Bonus Part Four, the hippy shares an additional tale from the Pre-Internet that deserves to stand on its own. This piece will leave you with one big question, but in Part Four – “I’ll Never Tell”.

Consenting Online Adults

Part One – The Prologue (1975-1983)

Part Two – Connecting (1980-1987)

Part Three – All Good Things (1985-1997)

Bonus – Part Four – I’ll Never Tell (1986)

Historic Hippy

Here’s a short selection from the hippy’s archive, if you want to know more…

I was a Background Artist on the BBC 10 O’Clock News – That’s who he was for the longest time

Piecing It All Together – This is why he is not that guy any more. TLDR: Epilepsy

Countdown to the End of the World – This is what the hippy would like to be doing next, if he had a choice.

Doing Some Good

The Ceasefire Initiative

While we’ve got your attention…

The Ceasefire Initiative – It’s just a small, simple idea to begin the process of finally putting an end to the pointless, useless “war on drugs”. We’re not seeking donations, just your support.

Follow us on Twitter: @ceasefire4good

#ceasefire4good #ceasefire4ever

(All words © Copyright 2023-2024 – Doug – the northlondonhippy. All rights reserved)

Time Aside – A Short Story

Written by Doug – the northlondonhippy

What would YOU do if you figured out how to travel through time?

The Discovery

If you’ve come here looking for me to reveal the secrets of time travel, you might as well stop reading. The key to unlocking it is surprisingly simple, and it still shocks me that I am the first, and as far as I know, only person to have made this discovery. Twice. 

As you will soon learn, I used my knowledge unwisely, and paid quite a high price for it. And now, I will take that knowledge of how I did it with me to the grave.

I was 25 years old when I made this discovery, but it would take me a decade and a half, before I’d be able to apply it in the real world. Turning the theoretical into the practical became my life’s work. 

This sort of research didn’t come cheap, so I had a cover story involving quantum theory that was very well funded. I set up my lab in a large research facility complex. Most people didn’t even know I was there. I mostly kept to myself. 

I actually published a couple of papers on the quantum theory. My cover work didn’t go to waste, but no one had a clue what I was really up to in my lab. Well, almost no one. 

Jennifer knew. She was a lab assistant at the facility, and we had become friendly. In time I grew to trust Jennifer, and I finally showed her around my lab, and explained my true research to her. 

Jennifer was initially dismissive, but I revealed just enough to get her to believe, and I convinced her to help me with my first real-world experiment. 

The first time I travelled back in time, I went to 1958, which is 5 years before my real time target, early summer 1962. I spent nearly a year in 1958, before returning back to 2003, and my lab. I spent that year putting a plan into action, that I aimed to execute in 1962. It started with robbing a bank. 

No, seriously! I needed cash, and obviously couldn’t bring any from the future, so I did a bank job. I couldn’t think of any other way to raise an initial stake in the past. 

Just because I couldn’t bring cash, didn’t mean I couldn’t bring back a weapon. It was my father’s .38 pearl-handled revolver, that he gave me on my 18th birthday. He had won it in a shooting contest in the 1940s, so it wouldn’t have been out of place, had it been discovered. In the end, I didn’t need to fire a shot. 

The bank I robbed was in the mid west, I’m not going to say where. I needed to be in New Jersey, which is where I’m from originally. So after my big score, I hopped on a train, and took my satchel of cash to a big bank on the Jersey Shore, where I opened an account. 

I also made some clever, high yield investments. They didn’t even ask for any ID, which was annoying, because I did the old Frederick Forsyth trick of getting a birth certificate for a baby that had died close to birth, who if still alive would have been around my age. Real Day of the Jackal shit! It was so easy too.

Let’s just say if I told you what price I paid for Polaroid, and Kodak stock, and what I would sell it for 5 years later, it would make your eyes water! I made a killing.

My first time travel trip was a success. Not only did I prove that my theory worked, but I was able to lay the groundwork for my real mission, and why I wanted to invent time travel in the first place.

And even though I was away for a year, from Jennifer’s perspective, I was only gone for a few minutes. The remote return module I designed worked perfectly as well. 

The Mission

Jennifer told me I was crazy, when I finally explained to her why I invented time travel. I understood her reaction, even if I vehemently disagreed with it. 

My plan was simple. I wanted to go back, and convince my mother not to give birth to me. I had it all worked out, preventing my birth would spare me the pain of life. 

I was born 6 weeks prematurely in January 1963, and have been paying the price ever since. I was a sickly child, or so I was repeatedly told. As an adult, it has been even worse, and I have suffered from a myriad of unpleasant physical, and mental health issues for my entire life. It was bad, and it was only going to continue to get worse, the older I got.   

I never understood why my parents had me. They had been married for nearly a decade before I came along. They couldn’t afford a kid either, yet they had me anyway. I’ve spent my entire life wishing they didn’t. Until I realised, through my breakthrough, that I might be able to do something about it. 

I knew abortion back then wasn’t common, but I also knew it wasn’t completely impossible, if one had funds. That’s why I needed the money. It’s also why I invented time travel. I was hoping I could erase myself from existence, along with my discovery. 

Time travel is too dangerous, and open to abuse to be allowed to exist. Much like me. I’m dangerous too, and I shouldn’t exist either. 

So that was my plan, I was going to travel back in time again, and convince my mother to have an abortion before she told my father she was even expecting. And I had the funds waiting for me in 1962 to pay for it, too. 

Jennifer said wishing to erase myself from existence was insane.  

I told her I wanted to set time aside, so it would be as if I never existed. 

She said what I wanted to do is commit timicide. 

Both are pretty clever, setting “time aside”, and committing “timicide”, but maybe Jennifer’s made-up word has the edge. 

I told Jennifer if it worked, if I was able to commit timicide, I wouldn’t be returning. I told her there was even a chance I could reset the whole universe, and she might not even remember I existed. 

The truth is I wasn’t entirely sure what would happen if it worked, but it was a risk I was willing to take. I told you I was dangerous too. 

Whatever the outcome, I told Jennifer that if I wasn’t back 10 minutes after my departure, then my mission was a success, and to be happy for me. 

Away We Go

I had everything I needed packed, and ready to go. I was dressed in a retro suit and tie that would blend right into the era. 

Jennifer hugged me goodbye, just a little longer than I was comfortable with, and her eyes welled with tears. Does she have a little crush on me? Why am I only realising this now?

I time travelled. I’m not going to describe the tech, or the process, but I can tell you that for me, it was instantaneous. 

I arrived in a small park after dark, in the the seaside city of Asbury Park. That could be a song lyric!

I carefully hid my remote return module in the park. No one could find it, unless they knew exactly where, and how to look. It was safe. I checked into the Berkeley Carteret Hotel on the sea front, and got a room with an ocean view. 

My family moved to Asbury when I was about 1 year old, so being back there in 1962, about 2 years before I would actually live there, didn’t feel unfamiliar at all. In many ways, it felt like coming home. 

We moved out of Asbury in 1967, before the riots, and trouble, and I only lived there for three years. That said, it was the first place I lived on the Jersey Shore. That’s why I chose it. Nostalgia. 

The next day, I sold all my stocks, filled my bank account, and bought a late model used car. It was clunky to drive, and lacked the amenities of the future, like power steering, and power brakes, but it was basic transport, and that’s all I needed. 

I gave myself a couple of days to enjoy Asbury. It was mid-June, the schools hadn’t broken up yet, and the summer season hadn’t properly kicked off, but the weather was glorious.

I strolled along the boardwalk, ventured into the Casino, and the Palace too. I had hot dogs, I ate burgers, I even had a Kohr’s Frozen Custard. I forgot how much I loved those! 

I walked through Convention Hall as well, but nothing was going on there at the time, not even the annual boat show. I walked the length of the entire boardwalk. And I filled my lungs with the fresh sea air. There is no other scent quite like it.

I walked all the way to Ocean Grove, my dad spent his summers there as a kid. We would have still had family there, somewhere in ‘62. It’s a weird Methodist summer camp slash town. It was even weirder back then. You couldn’t drive a car there on a Sunday, it was even illegal to ride a bicycle on the lord’s day within the city limits. I don’t think that changed till the 1970s.

I think I revisited my early childhood because it was the last time I was truly happy, and healthy. Once I hit age 5 or 6, the slide downhill began. 

After I had my fill of the Jersey Shore, and my weirdly nostalgic visit across time, I headed for north Jersey, where I would hopefully find my mother.

Hi Mom

I had heard enough stories about my parents’ lives that I had a pretty good idea of where to find them in 1962. Well, not “them”, as I didn’t need to speak to my father. I was hoping to avoid him, and just speak to my mother. 

My confidence paid off, as I knew both of my parents worked for the same company back then, Bendix. My mother only gave up her job when I came along, something she occasionally bemoaned during my childhood. 

She used to tell me that on warm, sunny days, she would take her lunch break at a park right across the street from her office building. That’s where I found her.

She was sitting on a bench, on her own, at the side of the park. She was eating a sandwich, a small red tartan thermos was next to her on the bench. 

As I passed by, I pretended to notice her. I said: “Ann?”

She looked up, and made eye contact. She studied my face. I could sense her feeling that there was something familiar about me, but she couldn’t quite place what it was. She must have thought I was a co-worker. It was a big company, and she was the executive assistant to the president, so most people probably knew who she was. 

I asked if she minded if I sat down. She said it’s a free country, and went back to her sandwich. That was my Mom for sure. 

I told her I knew her. I told her that her parents’ names were Fiorovante and Anna, and that she grew up in Paterson, and that her husband’s name was Henry, but most people called him Mac. And his family called him Bud, or Buddy…

She stopped me there, and appeared somewhat confused. “How do you know that? Nobody I know, knows his family calls him Buddy.”

“I know everything, Ann. You’re not going to believe me, but I am your guardian angel.”

She scoffed. “What’s your game, buster?”

“No game, I promise you, just some friendly advice. You’re expecting, and I reckon you’ve only just worked that out, and you haven’t told Mac yet, have you?”

She reflexively responded with “I’m just late… And how could you know that? Who are you?” She spat that last part out at me, angrily. 

“I told you, I’m your guardian angel. The baby you’re carrying shouldn’t be born. You will have a difficult childbirth, he will have many health problems, and a miserable life. You can prevent all that, and I’m here to help you.”

She teared up, I didn’t expect that.

”So it’s a boy? How do you know all this? How can you be so sure? What if he grows up, and cures cancer? Or goes to the moon?”

“He won’t. And he doesn’t. He will just have a very unhappy life. I don’t believe in curses, but that’s the best way to describe his potential existence. He will be cursed to suffer for his entire life. You don’t want to be responsible for the pain of another, do you? You can prevent all of that if you just listen. You must believe me!”

Ann stood up defiantly, and shouted “Get away from me, you creep. What’s wrong with you? Just leave me alone. Go! Now!”

“No”, I replied as I too stood up. “You don’t understand, you have no idea how terrible his life will be. You can prevent it. And I can help, whatever the cost.”

“You sick man. You weirdo. You want a complete stranger to have an abortion? And you want to pay for it? What’s wrong with you? You sicko!”

“You’re not a stranger, I told you, I am your guardian angel. How else could I know so much about you? I only want to help, and spare that poor born unborn child a horrific life.”

“That’s it mister, I’m done. I’ve had enough of this. I have to get back to work. Don’t ever speak to me again”.

I was flummoxed, and off balance. I didn’t expect this reaction. I don’t know what I expected, but it definitely wasn’t this. 

I instinctively grabbed her arm, and said “wait”, and then I don’t know what came over me, but I punched her in the stomach. Repeatedly. She screamed. I screamed. And then I felt a strong hand on my shoulder, as I was spun around.

Now, standing in front of me was my father. We would have been about the same age, give or take. And he hit me with a roundhouse right, that knocked me unconscious. 

Doe

I woke up in a cell, in the local police station. My jaw was broken, and I was pretty bruised up. Even though his first punch knocked me out, my father kept the blows coming, until a couple of cops pulled him off me. Everything hurt. 

They searched me while I was still down for the count, and they found my driver’s license, in the name of a child that died 40 years earlier. The cops were laughing about my name, “John Doe”. It’s not my fault that was the name of the dead kid I found. 

“Doe, you’re awake?”, said one of the cops. “We’ve got a duty lawyer coming in to speak with you. You’re in a world of trouble, son.”

Of course I am. 

The duty lawyer was young, maybe late 20’s, and didn’t seem experienced, but it didn’t matter to me. He explained the charges, and said based on the woman’s statement, I was more likely to be sent to a mental institution, rather than prison, if I put in an insanity plea. If I didn’t, they were going to throw the book at me, and I was going to do hard time in a state prison. 

“I’m not insane”, I told him, but he didn’t believe me. And I didn’t blame him for that, since my mother’s statement said I kept claiming to be her ‘guardian angel”, and I urged her to terminate her pregnancy. That does sound kind of crazy when you think about it.

I told the lawyer I could prove I wasn’t insane. I asked him for a piece of paper, an envelope, and a pen, which he pulled from his briefcase. 

I scrawled one word, plus two numbers on the paper, folded it, and put it in the envelope. And then I sealed the envelope, and I wrote “Do not open until 16th January 1963” on the front of it. 

I told him as well, don’t not open the envelope before that date, I made him promise, that under no circumstances would he open it before the 16th. If he does, it could render this entire exercise pointless. He didn’t understand, but swore to me he would follow my instructions, just the same. 

I also told him to watch for a birth announcement from Ann, and Mac in the local newspaper. Their baby was due at the end of February, or very early in March, but I said that he would see the announcement sooner than that. I told him when he saw it, he would understand. That left him even more perplexed, but he noted it on his legal pad.

I could tell he didn’t know what to make of any of this. It probably made him think I was even crazier.  

Obviously, I couldn’t explain anything truthfully. I would only sound even more insane than I already do, if I did. I did agree to put in an insanity plea though. There’s a certain insane symmetry to all this. 

Guilty by reason of insanity was accepted by the judge and I was sentenced to life at Marlboro Psychiatric Hospital.

I was a model in-patient, quiet, reserved, and well behaved. Docile. The staff all called me “Doe”. The other in-patients didn’t call me anything, as most of them were properly howl at the moon, barking mad. They didn’t sleep under bridges back then, you didn’t find them in train stations, or on the street. In the 60s, the severely mentally ill were institutionalised, and I was surrounded by them. 

“Doe, you have a visitor”.

Those were words I never expected to hear. It was the very end of January 1963, and the young duty lawyer who helped me with my plea, had come to see me. I immediately figured I knew why. 

He opened the envelope as instructed on the 16th of January, and read what I had written. That one word, plus two numbers.

Yes, that one word, which was my first name. My real first name. I knew it would be the name of Ann and Mac’s baby, who was born on the 15th of January, 6 weeks too early. And the numbers? Four and ten, because that was the baby’s weight, 4 pounds, 10 ounces. 

The lawyer was holding the local newspaper, he showed me the birth announcement. “Born to Ann and Mac (redacted) on January 15th 1963, a baby boy, weighing 4lbs, 10oz, named Douglas.”

“How did you know?”, he asked me. “How could you possibly know the date the boy would be born? And his weight? And he was 6 weeks premature. And how did you know they would name him Douglas?”

“This doesn’t prove you’re not insane. I don’t know what it proves, but how the bejesus did you know all this ahead of time? It’s impossible!”

It didn’t make a difference to anything. I was just showing off. 

12 Years Later

I’d been in Marlboro for 12 years. It was 1975 now, I’m 52 years old. Nothing had changed, just me. I was older, greyer, sadder, and on even more medication.  

My life was pretty miserable before I travelled back to 1963, now it was positively pitiful. I guess I was getting what I deserved. I was a terrible person.

“Doe, you have a visitor”. 

It had been 12 years since anyone had come to see me. I wondered who it could possibly be this time, as I made my way to the visitors lounge.

It was my father. He was greyer, and older too. I flinched when I saw him. He held up his hands in a surrender gesture, and said “I just want to talk”. We sat down.

“You’ve been in here for 12 years, keeping her secret. Keeping your secret. Why? You must have worried I might work it out. But why destroy your own life to protect her? What is she to you?”

I had no idea what he was talking about. I know my dad, he was sharp, but not so sharp that he worked out my real secret… That I was a tragic time traveller from the future, who fucked up badly. 

I didn’t say much of anything. I had no idea what secret of my mother’s he thought I might be hiding by staying in a mental hospital. And I wouldn’t exactly call it “staying’, as leaving really isn’t an option in a secure facility. 

That said, the truth is that I probably could have escaped. The security wasn’t that good. And I could have stolen some clothing, hitchhiked back to Asbury Park, located my remote return module in that small park, and travelled back to 2003. But I didn’t. I deserved to be right where I was, and I knew I should live out my days here. 

My father spoke over my silence with even more words, that became increasingly angry. He was losing his cool.

“You’ll be pleased to know that I left her, not that it will do you any good in here.”

“Huh? You left her? Why?” I said, somewhat astonished by this unexpected revelation. 

He pulled a wallet sized photo out of his pocket, and slammed it on the table in front of me, and said, “Look at it. Look at it!”

I recognised the photo immediately. It was my 6th grade school photo from when I was 12 years old. It looked like a younger version of me, because it was a younger version of me. But I couldn’t explain that to my father, could I?

He drew a reasonable conclusion based on the evidence. The kid looked exactly like the guy they locked up for assaulting his wife, after trying to convince her to have an abortion. He put two, and two together and it added up to infinity. 

Clearly, in his mind, I had had an affair with his wife, and I impregnated her. That’s why it took 9 years for her to conceive. He thought he was shooting blanks, and I was the daddy.

He already beat the shit out of me once, but I could tell, if given the chance, he would do it again, and then some. By this point he was seething with rage. 

“Nothing to say for yourself? Thought so.” He stood up.

“You’re wrong”, I said. “She would never cheat on you. I can’t explain why your son looks like me, but I promise you, you are his real father.”

“Bullshit. You lie. You liar. I don’t know why I came here. This was a waste of time.” And with that, he turned around, and left without looking back. I never saw him again. 

My father was a gentle, happy-go-lucky guy, always smiling, always laughing. He was a great father, he taught me well, took care of me, and treated me with kindness. The man that just visited me was nothing like that. 

He wasn’t the man I grew up with, he was bitter, and he was grieving. He was broken, and me breaking his trust with my mother, is what broke him. I could only imagine what growing up fatherless was doing to me. 

Meet yourself

I wouldn’t have another visitor for 13 more years, when I turned up to visit myself. It was 1988, I was 65 now. Doug Mark II was 25 years old.

My health continued to decline over the years, I was wheelchair bound, and taking more tablets per day than I could count. I aged badly, and looked older than my years. Haggard is the word that comes to mind when I catch my reflection in a mirror. The ward was even more dilapidated than I was. 

“Doe, you have a visitor”. 

It was only the third time I’d heard those words since being committed. 

The nurse added, “I think it’s your son. He looks so much like you! I didn’t even know you had a son.”

“I don’t”, I said, as she wheeled me into the visitors lounge. 

And there he was, it was like looking into a mirror into the past. My past. His clothing was a bit shabby, and his demeanour seemed somewhat rougher than me at that age. His father left the family home when he was 12 years old, that’s bound to have had an effect on him. How could it not?

“You’re not my father”, were the first words out of his mouth.

I said, “That’s right, I’m not. Your real father, is your real father. He got it totally wrong.”

“Yeah, and I paid the price, so did my mother. She doesn’t know, does she? She has no idea who you really are. And he told me he came to see you, so you didn’t tell my father either, did you?”

“No, neither one of them has any idea who I really am. I’m guessing you might by now, though. Am I right?”

Yep, you got it in one, old man. I worked out how to time travel, and you did too. Only you really fucking did it, didn’t you? You fucking fuckwit.”

Well, that’s me told. 

“Yes, I’m you, and you’re me.”

“No, I’m not you. Not exactly. Nature, yes, but nurture, no. You grew up with our father, didn’t you? He didn’t leave your family?”

“You’re right. He didn’t. He only left your family because I tried to prevent your birth.  And I tried to prevent your birth, because I’ve had a miserable life, and I wanted to spare you that…”

He interrupted, “You wanted to spare yourself that, you never, ever thought of me as a separate, living being. You never thought of me at all, and you created me! Your stupid actions had stupid consequences. Me! I am your consequences. You made my life worse than yours because you couldn’t even erase yourself properly! I can’t believe I’m such an idiot. Did you really think she’d have an abortion, just because you told her to have one? Seriously dude? That’s insane. She would never have done that in a million years. If anything, your little intervention made her more determined to have us!”

He continued, “And I’ll tell you something else. She told me that when we were born 6 weeks prematurely, they gave our mother a choice, to do extreme interventions to keep us alive, or to let nature do its thing. We weren’t meant to be born, and maybe, just maybe, our mother would have made a different choice, and let us go at birth, if you hadn’t messed things up so badly. Did you ever think of that?”

No, I hadn’t, and I admitted as much. Maybe this was the case when I was born too, only my mother never felt the need to tell me. Perhaps time is a coin toss, maybe a different version might have played out where I didn’t survive my birth? And my intervention made my survival more likely? Who’s to say? Time travel is a mind fuck, 100% would not recommend you try it, if you’re ever given the chance. 

What I now learned is that I ruined two lives, his and mine. Ours. I ruined our lives. I’ve spent the last 25 years in a stinking mental hospital, and Doug Mark II grew up fatherless from the age of 12. These are not ideal outcomes for either of us, and both were my fault. 

“Look, you know why I worked out time travel. I worked it out for the same reason you did, because I want to erase myself. Except now, I want to erase both of us.”

“How do you expect to do that?” I asked.

“How do you think? I’m going to travel further back in time, and kill my son of a bitch father, before he even meets our mother. Which is what you should have done in the first place, asshole. I’m a lot more determined than you were. That’s why you failed.”

He kept going, “You can sit in here till you die, and I can wait until however long it takes to turn the theoretical into the practical, and right your wrongs. Or, if you still have the means, you can send me to the future, and I can use of your perfected tech to travel back further in time, and make sure neither one of us is ever conceived. Let me fix this.”

Doug Mark II

Nine minutes had past since Doug Mark I had left 2003 for 1963, and Jennifer was starting to really panic. It was then that Doug Mark II materialised.

Jennifer was unsure why Doug looked so much younger. Had something gone wrong? 

It certainly had, but not with the tech in the way she was imagining. 

It took Doug Mark II a moment to get his bearings. “You must be Jennifer, he told me about you. I’m not him. I mean, I am him, but I’m a younger version. Nice to meet you.”

Doug Mark II held out his hand, and shook Jennifer’s. “I know this is weird, but he said I could trust you. He also said you know how to work his machine. I need to take one more trip to fix everything he broke.”

This was a lot for Jennifer to take in all at once, so she just sat down in silence. Time travel was weird enough, but now a different, younger version of Doug had returned. Doug Mark II?

“OK, sure. What do you need?”, was all she could finally muster.

Doug Mark II didn’t tell Jennifer everything, he left out a lot of details that she might find troubling. He didn’t tell her how his predecessor ended up, and he left out how much worse his life was as a result of Doug Mark I’s actions. 

He just stressed two things to her: That the new plan was worked out meticulously between both Dougs. And that this Doug had to make it all right, by going back to 1952. 

He explained, “Put it this way, right now there are two Dougs too many in the universe, and I’m in charge of Operation Doug-less.”

She didn’t get the joke. 

1952

Doug Mark II was legitimately impressed with Doug Mark I’s execution of the time travel discovery. He thought it was simple, and elegant, and he couldn’t have done it any better, or differently himself, given 15 years, and the same funding. 

The mission to kill his father was a simple one. Locate, and liquidate the target. Neither Doug was as certain as to where to find their father in 1952, before he met their mother to be. But they had a pretty reasonable guess. 

Doug Mark II time travelled to a secluded spot near the offices of the company where they thought their Dad worked at the time. 

Doug Mark II was armed with the same pearl-handled .38 revolver Doug Mark I used to stick up a bank in 1958. Doug Mark II wasn’t gifted the gun, and didn’t know it originally belonged to his father. Doug Mark II grabbed it in the lab, after being told where to find it by Doug Mark I when they planned this mission together. 

Doug Mark II kept an eye on the office’s large parking lot, from a nearby bus stop. He loitered there, waiting for people to start to leave the building at the end of the day. And when they did, he moved back over to the lot, keeping a keen eye out for a younger version of his father.

Doug Mark II hated his father for leaving his mother, and for leaving him. He always knew his father was wrong, but he didn’t know how he knew. Doug Mark II could sense something was off, but it wasn’t until he worked out time travel that he understood how complicated it all was. Doug Mark II could never forgive his father for doubting his mother’s loyalty, and fidelity. This was retribution, as much as it was an attempt at time correction. 

Neither Doug was sure if killing the old man would erase their existences. All they could do was hope if nothing else, it didn’t make things worse. 

Doug Mark II spotted Mac as he exited the building. He was heading for an old Chevy, when Doug said “Hey, is that you Mac?”

His father turned around, and said, “Yeah, who are you?”

Doug Mark II was less than 2 yards away from his father, when he drew the gun, and levelled it at him.

His father recognised the gun instantly, he had won it in a shooting contest in the 1940s. He blurted out “You’re going to shoot a man with his own gun?”

“What?” Doug Mark II said, and in that microsecond, Mac lunged forward, and grabbed at the gun. They struggled, and fell to the ground, wrestling for control of the weapon.

A shot rang out, and then a second. And then silence. 

Doug Mark II pushed Mac off of him, and up against the Chevy. He stood up, gun in hand. He then sat Mac upright and saw that both bullets had hit him in the chest, his head was drooping to one side, his eyes now open, and fixed.

A few seconds later, one of Mac’s colleagues found his body slumped against the car, and screamed for help. 

The gunman, and the weapon were nowhere to be seen, and never found. Mac was dead.

Jennifer

Ten minutes had passed since Doug Mark II had travelled from 2003, back to 1952. She knew if he wasn’t back in 10 minutes, he wasn’t coming back. Still, she waited 2 more hours, before going home. 

In that time, she had hoped, prayed, and dreamt that somehow Doug Mark I would return, and not Doug Mark II. But after the first 10 minutes had passed, she would have settled for Doug Mark II. Either was better than neither. 

She had a crush on Doug Mark I, but had never told him. She promised herself if he returned this time, she was going to confess to her true feelings. 

In her desperation, she even considered confessing her feelings to Doug Mark II, should he return. She was almost exactly between their ages. Doug Mark I was about 8 years older, while Doug Mark II was only 7 years younger. Maybe she could help shape him, make him less bitter than Doug Mark I?

When she returned to Doug’s lab at the research facility the next day, it was empty. All of Doug’s gear was gone. It was like it was never even there. 

When she asked other people at the facility about it, no one seemed to know what she was talking about. Jennifer quickly realised that she was the only person to remember Doug’s lab, or Doug.

Jennifer had learned many details about Doug’s life, and family, that she still recalled. She went online, and she searched. All she found was his mother’s obituary. It was in her maiden name. 

Ann’s obituary said she left behind many nieces, and nephews. 

There was no mention of a husband, or child. 

The End

If you enjoyed my short story, there’s plenty more of my work for you to read.

Why not check out my brand new, 4-part series – MTV Redux? It’s about how I started my career in the media with MTV back in the mid-1980s in NYC… But it’s also about a whole lot more.

(All words © Copyright 2023 – Doug – the northlondonhippy. All rights reserved)